Bereavement

“Looking back, I’ve often thought the doctors should have written a death certificate for me as well as my son, for when he died, a part of me died too.”
- Linda Bremner

Grieving the Loss of a Child
The death of a child is an enormous tragedy, no matter his or her age. As parents, you are not only grieving the loss of a child, but also the loss of your future together, the loss of the possibilities, as well as the loss of hopes and dreams you held for your child.

Grief reactions with children can seem more intense and prolonged than grief over other losses. Some common grief reactions are:

• Intense shock, confusion, disbelief, and denial
• Overwhelming sadness and despair
• Extreme guilt
• Intense anger and feelings of bitterness and unfairness at a life left unfilled
• Fear of being alone and isolated
• Feelings of resentment towards parents with healthy children
• Dreams of the child or feeling their presence
  All of these are normal reactions to the loss of a child. Some parents feel that as parents they are not supposed to outlive their children, so no parent can possibly be prepared for such a loss. These feelings may be experienced over long periods of time and may come in waves of intensity. Often developmental milestones such as graduations and weddings in others near the same age as your child can trigger a new wave of grief. However, don’t worry! The extreme intensity and frequency of your grief will eventually lessen.Gender Difference in GrievingMen and women grieve in different ways. So, parents of a lost child may find that they are disagreeing more frequently and not understanding one another. Differences in grieving can cause relationship difficulties at a time when parents need each other’s support the most. Cultural expectations and role differences have affected how men and women grieve. Men tend to be more controlled with their emotions, trying to stay strong and taking charge of their family. Women tend to be more open with their emotions, often crying and talking about their grief. One parent may believe that the other is not grieving properly or that the lack of open grief means he or she loved the child less, but differences could be due to these gender differences. These differences can cause great tension in many relationships, and frequently the best solution is communication. Openness and communication will help each parent understand the true feelings of the other.Remember the Other Siblings While Grieving
  After the death of a child, most of the attention from others is being given to the lost child as well as the parents of the lost child. Therefore, siblings tend to feel excluded. Each sibling is feeling the same loss and needs support just like you do. If a surviving sibling begins to feel overlooked during this time, he or she may misinterpret the death as being their fault and not feel loved as much as the deceased brother or sister. Some suggestions for helping a sibling through this grieving process are:
• Include them in family discussions.
• Spend as much time as possible with the surviving child.
• Listen to the child, and help them understand that they are not responsible in any way for their sibling’s death.
• Never compare the sibling to the deceased child, because the sibling may feel that he or she has to fulfill the role of the other child.
• Allow the sibling to grieve, just like you. He or she may act out or show anger, but this may be the child’s normal grieving reaction. Just make sure that the sibling doesn’t become too withdrawn.
• Keep your eyes and ears open as to how he or she is grieving and healing from the loss.
  

  Recommended Links

  Bereavement Support
  IMH Hearts Remembered: This is an online discussion board through It’s My Heart at Yahoo!Groups. We hope to help you through this difficult journey.
  Faith’s Lodge – A Place Where Hope Grows: Faith’s Lodge provides a place where parents and families facing the serious illness or death of a child can retreat to reflect on the past, renew strength for the present, and build hope for the future.
  Alive Alone: Designed to benefit bereaved parents whose only child or all children have died by providing a self-help network and newsletter to promote communication and healing.
  The Compassionate Friends: “The Compassionate Friends is a national nonprofit, self-help support organization that offers friendship, understanding, and hope to bereaved parents, grandparents and siblings. There is no religious affiliation and there are no membership dues or fees.”
  BabySteps: Named after the baby steps that form the long and difficult road to recovery from the loss of a child.
  BPUSA: Bereaved Parents of the USA offers support, care, and compassion for bereaved parents, siblings, and grandparents.
  Compassion Connection: Contains articles and readings for all who have suffered a loss.
  Pediatric Heart Network: Coping with the Loss of a Child
  American Cancer Society: Coping with Grief and Loss
  Center for Infant and Child Loss
  Grief Share: Grief Recovery Support Groups
  Journey of Hearts: An Online Healing Place for Anyone Grieving a Loss
  GROWW: Grief Recovery Online for All Bereaved
  MedlinePlus Bereavement

  Funeral Planning
  Service Suggestions From Other Bereaved Parents
  Federal Trade Commission: The Funeral Rule – Funeral Home Regulations

  Ways of Keeping a Legacy Alive

  “Angel babies are never forgotten, they stay in your heart forever.” The original baby book created in 1898 by C.R. Gibson celebrated one of life’s most cherished moments, the birth of a new baby.  Forever Heart Publishing is proud to announce the publication of a very special memory book dedicated to those babies whose lives have ended too soon.  The book; entitled “I Will Hold You In My Heart Forever, A baby book for little angels” written by Michelle Murray, provides families who have experienced the loss of a baby whether through miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death, the opportunity to create a baby book tailored specifically to their own situation. Click HERE to get your copy

  My Forever Child: Keepsakes and Jewelry
  Connie’s Corner: Bereavement Quilts
  Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep:When a baby or infant dies, Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, through it’s nationwide network of professional photographers, will arrange a tasteful private setting at the hospital with no charge for any services or pictures.

  For the Bereaved Sibling(s)
  Comfort Zone Camp : No charge nonprofit camp for siblings and children (age 7-17) coping with the loss of a sibling or parent
  Compassionate Friends: This site has many resources and advice for bereaved siblings.
  griefHaven : griefHaven provides loving support, hope, and hands-on tolls for those who have lost a child, brother or sister, or grandchild, and also provides education to professionals and others seeking to help bereaved family members rebuild their lives.
  Infant and Toddler Grief: Developmental Responses to Separation/Loss
  TLC: National Institute for Trauma and Loss in Children is dedicated to helping traumatized children and families restore a sense of safety and reduce the effects of trauma; information available about trauma, resources, and training for professionals.
  Julie’s Place: A site for bereaved siblings (some religious content).