Bereavement
“Looking back, I’ve often thought the doctors should have written a death certificate for me as well as my son, for when he died, a part of me died too.”
- Linda Bremner
Grieving the Loss of a Child
The death of a child is an enormous tragedy, no matter his or her age. As parents, you are not only grieving the loss of a child, but also the loss of your future together, the loss of the possibilities, as well as the loss of hopes and dreams you held for your child.
Grief reactions with children can seem more intense and prolonged than grief over other losses. Some common grief reactions are:
All of these are normal reactions to the loss of a child. Some parents feel that as parents they are not supposed to outlive their children, so no parent can possibly be prepared for such a loss. These feelings may be experienced over long periods of time and may come in waves of intensity. Often developmental milestones such as graduations and weddings in others near the same age as your child can trigger a new wave of grief. However, don’t worry! The extreme intensity and frequency of your grief will eventually lessen. Gender Difference in Grieving Men and women grieve in different ways. So, parents of a lost child may find that they are disagreeing more frequently and not understanding one another. Differences in grieving can cause relationship difficulties at a time when parents need each other’s support the most. Cultural expectations and role differences have affected how men and women grieve. Men tend to be more controlled with their emotions, trying to stay strong and taking charge of their family. Women tend to be more open with their emotions, often crying and talking about their grief. One parent may believe that the other is not grieving properly or that the lack of open grief means he or she loved the child less, but differences could be due to these gender differences. These differences can cause great tension in many relationships, and frequently the best solution is communication. Openness and communication will help each parent understand the true feelings of the other.
Remember the Other Siblings While Grieving
After the death of a child, most of the attention from others is being given to the lost child as well as the parents of the lost child. Therefore, siblings tend to feel excluded. Each sibling is feeling the same loss and needs support just like you do. If a surviving sibling begins to feel overlooked during this time, he or she may misinterpret the death as being their fault and not feel loved as much as the deceased brother or sister. Some suggestions for helping a sibling through this grieving process are:
Recommended Links
Bereavement Support
IMH Hearts Remembered: This is an online discussion board through It’s My Heart at Yahoo!Groups. We hope to help you through this difficult journey.
Alive Alone: Designed to benefit bereaved parents whose only child or all children have died by providing a self-help network and newsletter to promote communication and healing.
The Compassionate Friends: “The Compassionate Friends is a national nonprofit, self-help support organization that offers friendship, understanding, and hope to bereaved parents, grandparents and siblings. There is no religious affiliation and there are no membership dues or fees.”
BabySteps: Named after the baby steps that form the long and difficult road to recovery from the loss of a child.
BPUSA: Bereaved Parents of the USA offers support, care, and compassion for bereaved parents, siblings, and grandparents.
Childrens Memorial Garden: CMG’s mission is to unite all U.S. memorial gardens dedicated in memory of children through a national registry and to offer families in sorrow multiple avenues of healing and hope through Networking, Education, Awareness, and Resources (N.E.A.R.).
Compassion Connection: Contains articles and readings for all who have suffered a loss.
Pediatric Heart Network: Coping with the Loss of a Child
American Cancer Society: Coping with Grief and Loss
Center for Infant and Child Loss
Grief Share: Grief Recovery Support Groups
Journey of Hearts: An Online Healing Place for Anyone Grieving a Loss
GROWW: Grief Recovery Online for All Bereaved
MedlinePlus Bereavement
Funeral Planning
Service Suggestions From Other Bereaved Parents
Federal Trade Commission: The Funeral Rule – Funeral Home Regulations
Ways of Keeping a Legacy Alive
My Forever Child: Keepsakes and Jewelry
Connie’s Corner: Bereavement Quilts
Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep:When a baby or infant dies, Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, through it’s nationwide network of professional photographers, will arrange a tasteful private setting at the hospital with no charge for any services or pictures.
For the Bereaved Sibling(s)
Comfort Zone Camp : No charge nonprofit camp for siblings and children (age 7-17) coping with the loss of a sibling or parent
Compassionate Friends: This site has many resources and advice for bereaved siblings.
griefHaven : griefHaven provides loving support, hope, and hands-on tolls for those who have lost a child, brother or sister, or grandchild, and also provides education to professionals and others seeking to help bereaved family members rebuild their lives.
Infant and Toddler Grief: Developmental Responses to Separation/Loss
TLC: National Institute for Trauma and Loss in Children is dedicated to helping traumatized children and families restore a sense of safety and reduce the effects of trauma; information available about trauma, resources, and training for professionals.
Julie’s Place: A site for bereaved siblings (some religious content).
